… having to sleep in the woods, hold a sign to make it through a day, or use the drugs” that had consumed 80 percent of my life, as I quickly approached 52 years old. That was the prayer shared with me by a friend I call my angel and 1 year and two nights ago we prayed that prayer as she gave me a ride to a hotel to sleep comfortably in a bed for the first time in almost 3 years. October 31, 2008 I used my last time, one and a half hours before walking into Austin Recovery and began living my life drug free. That angel’s help was the God of my understanding doing, for me, what I could not do for myself. My name is Gary and I am, very gratefully, a recovered heroin addict.
November 1, 2009 I walked out of the “home” I live in today, looked up into a starry clear sky lit only by the moon, and cried to that God, in gratitude, that I don’t have to live like that anymore. “God saved a wretch like me”; ain’t it cool!
Even though I have been in jail at least 30 times since 1975 (3 times incarcerated in the Texas Department of Corrections), stolen something from almost every individual I have known (whether for financial gain or personal satisfaction), threatened or hurt everyone that ever showed love or care for me (relationships, friends, and family), or faced the humiliation and forfeited my personal welfare to live under bridges and in the woods to nurture my disease of addiction, my God continued to love me and keep me, to see today.
It is evident, from what I have shared so far, that I was powerless over the disease of addiction and I found my life totally unmanageable. I realized that I was still alive by something’s Grace. Hell, I’ve tried to kill myself because I was powerless and tired of hurting others and myself. That’s insane! The only solution I could come to was to turn my will and life over to whatever had kept me alive this long. I stood on that corner, one night just over a year ago, and tears flowed as I told it, “God, I can’t go on living like this. I cannot see myself standing out here, begging for $100/ day, chasing a dopeman, and expect to live another 10 years much less see the 52nd birthday coming in 2 months.” As I searched through a tattered wallet the next morning looking for a phone number to score, I found the number given to me by volunteers from Mobile Loaves and Fishes, a christian ministry that help the homeless. This number was the volunteer’s personal cell phone and I left the same message with them I had spoken to God. The week previous to this day I shared with them why I was living like I was living. They had related to me they understood how I felt because someone close to them had suffered much the same as I had, but had found a solution. Within less than 24 hours of that message my angel, Kay, appeared at my corner and asked “Where were you at 7:00 last night?” I responded and she said “We had a bed for you at the Austin Recovery Treatment Facility.” I felt as if I had played my last card and lost, until she said, “But we have another for you tomorrow if you still want to go.” I said yes, and she picked me up around 6:30 pm that night. As we drove away to the hotel she pointed at the setting sun and shared that prayer with me that this would be “the last sunset…”.
Although I have entered treatment 6 times previous and detoxed many times, it was not by my choice. I could not do it for the parents, the relationships, or the judicial system. I was not ready to admit, surrender, or conclude the fact that no human, including myself, could stop me from doing what I thought I “wanted” to do.
This time, I was ready. I was ready to admit I was powerless, my life was unmanageable and this God could restore some sanity to it, so I turned my will and my life over to Him. I took a look, with a clear mind, at the wreckage my addiction had created in my life. I began to realize the part I had played in all of it. I admitted my part to God, a trusted individual, and myself what I saw I had done. I became willing, reluctantly sometimes, to make amends for the harms I created. I was ready to have God remove the character defects I saw in myself. I asked Him to do so. I have made a futile attempt to make those amends, as long as it did not create more harm. I continue, on a daily basis, to take a personal inventory. I realize I have not completely allowed my God to take all of my character defects, but today I am more aware of them and how they affect others, and when I recognize I’m wrong I admit it.
For almost 40 years I had depended on drugs and alcohol to “have fun”, “celebrate”, help me grieve, get me through the day. The road went on forever but the party had to end, sooner or later. For me, the party had ended a long time ago. At that point in my life, and many years previous, I lived to use and used drugs to live. My only reason for being, my existence, was to make enough money to get the drugs I needed to get through another day; and without those drugs I felt I would not make it through another day. For just one day, the last 365 days I have made it through the day without them. That is “the miracle”, to me, of a loving and forgiving God that I now see has never left my side regardless of the paths I chose to wander. His love for me is not really a miracle, in a sense, because today I realize He shares that same love for every man, woman, child, addict, or victim He created and gave life to.
Working these steps has taught me, through prayer and meditation, to have a more conscious contact with my God and His will for my life. He gives me the strength to carry that out. I carry the message of what my God has done for me daily in my life. I humble myself and face the humility of admitting I am an addict. Through honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness I have recovered and continue to recover. I feel this is my purpose, to show the love and blessings my God has given me to others still suffering.
The mental affects of hopelessness and worthlessness are being lifted; I have regrets but cannot change the past, the present is just that- a present; the physical affects of a liver disease contracted over 23 years ago are still there; the future is not promised. My purpose in life is to share this with another addict and pray, “They are ready”. I hope it creates a desire for them to stay clean today. I did, just for today, and have for the last 365 days. Please love yourself. My God loves you and so do I.
This is beautiful and encouraging.
Posted by: Kelsey | November 07, 2009 at 12:55 PM