My friend Gary, who I met while on a Mobile Loaves & Fishes truck run, has over 270 days of sobriety from a 25 year addiction to Heroin. I am so very thankful for his friendship and his willingness to share his life with all of us. I am particualrly thankful to the Austin Recovery Center (www.austinrecovery.org) for their heroic efforts to save all who battle addictions. This is a continuation of his story of recovery. And particularly to David & Kay, his angels sent from heaven to love Gary. Although he honors me in his writings there are many others and I only want to point how very important it is for each of us to connect human to human, heart to heart to transform the world. This is what Mobile Loaves & Fishes so powerfully accomplishes.
-Alan
My God has not promised smooth sailing...
Just a safe landing.
"Blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence." Jeremiah 17:7
My name is Gary and I am a grateful, recovered heroin addict. It is by the Grace of my God and the network of friends, like Alan Graham, that today I have not found it necessary to stick a needle in my arm or use narcotics or alcohol by any method since November 1st, 2008 (7 Mths. and 14 days). And for that I am truly grateful.
My life is very good today. After living on the streets of Austin TX, this time, since May 2006 and a daily routine to support my drug habit I had to make choices or continue on to the bitter end. I could see that end arriving quickly. The truth is, the disease of addiction was not necessarily the only factor involved in being homeless, but it was the deciding factor. My disease delegated my choices when I surrendered to it and it told me I was not responsible enough to handle "life on life's terms". If you are an addict like me you should understand and if you are not an addict like me you need to understand. Addicts like me did not have much choice, we were born this way. Don't believe me? Ask any physician that has had the opportunity to work with the disease of alcoholism and addiction. In fact, they may be one of us.
But my purpose for this contribution was to share with others a little understanding of why people, not just addicts, do whatever it takes to get by one day at a time (think homeless, panhandling). You see my God gave me, in fact he gave all of us, the instinct to survive. Sometimes through all of the stress and confusion we forget who gave us that instinct or exactly how we are to use it. We abuse it.
My first Thanksgiving living on the streets I sat lonely, feeling sorry for myself. As I sat and cried, holding a sign, I felt as if my God spoke to me. What I understood Him to say was, "You always call on Me when you need help and I have not denied you when it was justified. You need to help Me and I will see all your needs are met." My routine I spoke of earlier consisted of waking up under the bridge and injecting enough heroin to make it for 4-6 hrs. Enough narcotics in order for me to stand by the side of the road facing oncoming traffic holding some silly limerick that would attract enough compassionate individuals that they would contribute monetary and nutritional donations to make it until my next 'fix'. I have also met others that used those contributions to feed and/or house a wife and children. Some were just bored with their life or hungry. I did not have that luxury because my disease dictated my life. A relationship or the responsibility of spending money on food would not have been afforded.
Like I said, I was lonely and my God spoke. The only conceivable way I knew to help my God was to help carry His message and help others. I had the food others had given me on the corner and a bridge to sleep under, so I willingly shared these meager items with others in my situation. When I saw Alan and his trucks working to help feed the homeless I would often ask for an extra 'sack' of food for others that may be temporarily away from our camp. I also shared my reading in the Bible with others on the street, when they wanted to listen. Of course my disease was really my Higher Power, at that time, and it told me to carry those messages to the corner on my signs. No more silly limericks. I thought I was doing the public a favor bringing them the word of God or my interpretation of His Word. They bought it and gave to me abundantly to the point I eventually supported a habit of $100-$150/day. I must have bought it as well. My daily routine revolved around "living to use, and using to live", until I surrendered to the God of my understanding and I could not go on living like this. That would have been on or just before October 30, 2008. That day I turned my will and my life over to my God because, regardless of how tired I was, I knew no human or myself could return my life to a more normal, sane way of living. I couldn't and He could!! He did by placing Alan G. and other angels there to do for me what I could not do for myself. I had to make the choice to let go and let God take charge.
Homelessness and panhandling is not a choice for everybody living on or off the streets. Some it may be no choice due to unfortunate economic hardship, others have a difficult time asking or understanding how to get help. There are those that do not have the mental capacity to do anything about the situations they find themselves in and it is by no fault of their own - society does not know how to 'deal' with them and chooses not to. Still others, like me, do not have alot of choice due to the disease they allow to delegate their lives.
Until you can understand these reasons I have stated (hard times, mental incapability, psychological issues, or the disease of addiction) please do not judge these individuals. When asked today about the idea of 'giving' to the homeless on the corner, my answer is the same as it was when I was out there "Listen to your heart, and trust in your God. Do His will, not yours or the will of another." If you can admit that you do not understand why somebody is like they are, find and understand through education and prayer.
My God said "Judge not lest you be judged.." and I am not judging you. I am only asking you to read what I have shared with you, think about it, and pray to your God for an understanding so you may do the right thing. It does not have to be complicated. As the Son of my God stated, "The only commandments you have to live by are- put no other God before your Father in Heaven and love your brother as you would love yourself." Keep it simple. He does bless us all. Thank you my brothers and sisters in Christ.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
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