For me, it was a sense of not belonging to the rest of society, not being a part of the world others seemed to enjoy living in. Shame and loneliness created fear and loathing of what I was and what I would become, not to mention what others thought of me, or fear of who I may be confronted by.
These may seem as character defects, or personal traits, that are evident in a lot of people within society, but the homeless definitely live in the proverbial “Glass Houses” within plain view of society. Quite possibly, this may be the reason most of the homeless population wanders far from their “homes”.
For me that was not the case since I had lived and worked in Austin, Texas for the previous 25 yrs., before I finally surrendered to whatever it was that caused me to become homeless.
I met homeless who were there, “on the streets”, because of the loss of a relationship (wife, husband, parent), loss of economic security (job, the house, funding for school), lack of social, physical, and mental ability to deal with life on life’s terms in this society; and, like me, the inability to deal with life because of the disease of addiction to alcohol or drugs. Not everyone is an addict when they become homeless, but “if you hang around a barbershop long enough your bound to get a haircut”. I have met individuals, who are by trade civil and electrical engineers, schoolteachers, business management and department heads, and civil and construction engineers (some with degrees and licenses). There are gourmet chefs and world-class musicians living “on the street”.
On the day of Thanksgiving after the loss of my father, I found myself sitting on the street corner where I “worked” holding a sign feeling lonely and sorry for myself, as tears flowed. There was not much traffic driving by and those that did I knew were going to spend the day with family and friends of which I thought I had none. As I continued to sulk and cry for fear of not making the money I thought I would need to supply my “medicine”, my drug of choice in my addiction, I spoke to the God of my understanding of my fears and I feel He spoke to me. I heard Him say, “You are always crying to me for help, but as I have never denied you in times of need I need you to help me show others the love I have for everyone.”
From that point forward, I lived another two years on the street and carried a small Bible which I read daily before praying each morning. Some nights, when the light was available under the bridge, I would read and share it with others. Another practice I began, afterward, was allowing the Lord to place on my heart what words would be displayed on the cardboard sign I would hold that day and no longer attempting to influence passers by to give me money out of sympathy or humor. This practice kept me in the practice of reading wherever God led me in His book. I found a lot of people looked anxiously for what I printed and some even thank me for displaying what they needed to hear that day. Sharing it with others kept me close to Him with the Hope that I would find a solution to overcome my situation of homelessness and life of addiction.
I met Alan Graham, for the first time, in December of 1999. He, along with a few others had just began a ministry of reaching out and bringing to the homeless the items they felt they would need to survive another day. The ministry called Mobile Loaves and Fishes, from what I understand, was a calling from the Lord, to Alan, to help God help others truly in need. This last period of homelessness for me from 2005-08, I had been sleeping in the woods off of the side of a major interstate highway where I “panhandled” to support myself. In 2006 I noticed one of Alan’s trucks pull onto the corner of the feeder road up on the grass. As I approached the truck, I recognized Alan with a group of volunteers as they passed out food items, drinks, and some toiletries. I had recently seen an article about a program they had begun called “Habitat On Wheels” and as Alan greeted me, the manipulative mind of the addict spoke out and said, “Alan, I’ll tell you why I am out here. I am an addict and can’t get a job because I can’t get off drugs, because I need someplace to lie down while suffering from withdrawals, I can’t bathe or keep clean clothes, and besides I am a convicted drug felon and no one will rent to me anyway. So, I feel as if I could be a productive member of society if I just had a place to live.” Alan smugly, but in a positive manner, replied, “Brother, I think I can help you out with a place to live and something to eat, but first you have to get off the drugs and find a means of support.”
Feeling I had given it my best shot, and knowing at least I had been honest with him, this turned out to be an honest and respectful friendship. Alan continued to frequent “my corner” and when he would introduce me to new volunteers he would ask me to tell them the same thing I had shared with him. One afternoon Alan introduced me to a couple that volunteered and asked me to tell them why I was homeless. I shared with David Shiflet and Kay Dalton that “I was an addict and didn’t like it, but that was what I was.” David, who spoke and appeared to be of an intelligent, decent stature mentioned, “I know a little about addiction. Somebody close to me suffered much the same as you and today he has been clean and sober for two years.” Kay cheerfully agreed and as they handed me the items they had to offer I responded, “Thank you, but I wish they would carry toilet tissue on these trucks.” Kay laughed and David suggested I grab a pair of the shoes someone had donated. I said that’s alright, you don’t have any to fit me. David, looking confused said, “How do you know?” after telling him nobody ever had extra shoes to fit me because I wear a size 13 or 14, he said, “I bet I do.” Looking confused myself, I asked what he meant and he said, “I wear a size 13 myself and I’ll bring them tomorrow on my lunch break, and the toilet tissue!” I heard promises of people returning many times and thought no more of it until, the next day around noon when David and Kay pulled up behind me as I held my sign on the corner. Hearing their honk and recognizing them, I walked over and David handed me a pair of size 13 Tennis Shoes that I sentimentally still own today. They also brought the tissue and a few other items and I felt guilty when David handed me $20. I said, “You know what I do with this.” He said, “That’s why you said you were out here, and here is my personal phone number in case there is anything else we can do for you.”
Within two weeks I had made a decision that I would not be able to continue living in addiction and on the streets. I cried again, this time telling my God I would not make it much longer and I needed help. The very next morning, while searching through a tattered wallet, I found David’s number. I called his cell phone and left a similar message. I also emailed Alan telling him the same. In less than 24 hrs, Kay pulled up again to “my corner” and asked, “Where were you last night? We had a bed for you at the Austin Recovery Drug Treatment facility.” Had was all I heard, and thought I had blown my chance to get out of this mess when Kay said, “We have one for you tomorrow, if you still want it.” With a joyous cry of relief I responded yes, and Kay informed me to be at that spot, that night, and she had already rented a hotel room for me to sleep comfortably my last night before I entered treatment.
After Kay picked me up that evening and I entered the hotel room, I dropped to my knees and cried in gratitude to my God for doing for me what I could not do for myself. I thanked Him that He had placed people in my life that cared enough about others to seemingly “go out of their way” to help. And at that point I decided I was willing to do whatever it took to get off drugs, live in a home like others, and become a productive member of society.
It has not been easy, but it was made a lot simpler knowing that God has placed, in the hearts of others, the love and compassion to reach out and help. David and Kay have been personally responsible for helping at least seven or eight other individuals off the streets and into homes. And if it was not for the ministry of Mobile Loaves and Fishes reaching out to where these people are located and providing the “Human Connection”, many would not know anyone cares. I call these individuals who help my angels, because God placed them in my life.
As Kay and I drove from that corner October 31,2008 she pointed to the setting sun and we prayed together that would be the last sunset I would have to see living on the streets, holding a sign, and addicted to using drugs. Since that day, I have been drug and alcohol free. Today I work a full time position and support myself, while helping others. Today, I live in a home provided by the Mobile Loaves and Fishes Habitat on Wheels program and have a sense of community, of belonging. Today I am not lonely and do not fear because I know, my God will provide for me and I continue to share with others the Love He has for us all. None of this would have occurred if someone had not reached out to me and shared the Love God has to give.
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